An extension of my previous post.
I am different than I was before, In this life now there is so much more.
It’s not just you and it’s not just me
It’s not just us, now there’s 3.
You were my priority for many years
But now he is with us here,
And I am different.
I changed my body so much
In just 9 short months.
I got bigger and felt uglier, unworthy of touch.
Didn’t want you to look because I wasn’t the same
Didn’t want to talk about my emotions because I felt ashamed.
I struggled feeling my indifference to the change.
I couldn’t accept that I am different.
Grieving the only life I knew,
That’s just what I had to do.
My feelings were wrong, I hated myself,
But they were my true thoughts I couldn’t help.
Feelings are to be felt but you see,
I just wasn’t me.
Body and mind Morphing into someone I didn’t recognize,
Someone that scared me because I wasn’t sure if it was right.
Doubt and anxiety always creeping,
Leading anger to weave through my dreaming.
Snap and short, unphysical, nothing to say but silence today and even though I can’t say it out loud I know I am pushing you away.
I am sorry, I am different.
Motherhood is quite a transition,
I’ve now got a new life mission.
I’ve got a new body I have to learn to accept
So don’t blame yourself when I turn down your request because
Sometimes in my head I feel like a mess.
Silence from my lips can be anxiety,
Anger stems from my flipped priorities.
Going from Only thinking about me to being responsible for another life you see,
Sometimes I no longer feel free.
I’m not saying I feel trapped, but I do…
Sometimes I wish it was just me and you.
I keep all of this to myself because I feel it’s taboo.
Learning to love and accept the difference in this body and mind is a great challenge of mine.
Please bear with me while I learn,
Eventually there will be some corners I turn.
Someday again I will feel some normalcy,
Someday again I will feel more like me.
I am different than in the past,
I hope my feelings of sad and shame don’t last.